Last night I dreamt about my husband and today I´m even sadder than I have been for a long time.
You see, my husband disappeared about five or six years ago. He didn't disappear overnight. It was a gradual process, but in my mind there came a point when gradually saying goodbye turned into mourning. It took me two years to mourn his disappearance, and when those two years were up, five or six years ago, he had gone completely. I said goodbye to every aspect of him, bit by bit, and I wasn't even aware that these aspects were going, going, gone. I thought they were still there. The person was still there, he just didn't look like himself anymore. He looked like a she, said he felt like a she. He became much happier as a she than he ever was as a he. That's what she kept saying and that's what I kept believing.
The outside changed, but so did the inside, which was something I hadn't counted on. Heck, it was something I didn't even dare acknowledge until about three months ago. That's when I realised that while she had become herself and while I had helped her become herself, I had completely lost my own self. Lost, insecure, nervous and angry, that's what I am now, deep inside. On top of that, I'm incredibly sad. I thought I was done mourning, but it turns out I still miss my husband more than I can say.
***
I'm sorry if this is TMI, but I wanted to share this. Maybe this post will answer some of the questions you may have had. I didn't have to think long about actually posting this. It's my blog, and while I have no intention of turning it into a place where I share the story of my life, I don't want to keep the personal stuff from you, either. Besides, you've always been such good friends. You can't possibly only be interested in my stitching and my pumpkins, right?
44 comments:
I am sending you loads of love, hugs and support. Take time to mourn. I know it 'feels' like and that you thought that you were done with that, but obviously not. So take time and try to heal yourself and find the missing pieces from you that you have lost along the way durring this difficult time.
(((hugs)))
Thank you for sharing something so personal. I will be keeping you in my thoughts. Mourning is a thing that takes time and sometimes never truly ends, but that doesn't mean it doesn't get better. I wish you the best.
hugs and happy stitching,
Annette
I am sorry you are having to go through this difficult time. I know you don't know me but if you need someone neutral to vent to, yell to, cry to, whatever, feel free to email me.
You have my unconditional support.You have done your utmost to deal with a very difficult situation. Now, you need to concentrate on you and Pelle. Many many hugs and much love
Oh dear Annemarie,
First of all you don't owe any explanation to any of us - but it is so sincere that you shared so much of yourself in this post. I value you as a kindred spirit and I can only imagine such feelings of yours will take more time to heal and you will find yourself again to flourish in all you do - you already do that whether you see it yet or not. I am sorry to read about your husband and I can't imagine the pain you went through and continue to feel about it all. You are a strong woman and I know one that will come out all the better for it. Hang in there, kiddo, for you are a blessing.
Tanya
{{{{Annemarie}}}} You are truly an amazing woman. Please take all the time you need to get over this and remember that we are here for you whenever you need a shoulder. I will be thinking of you. Take care.
Oh Annemarie - how sad for you. It must have taken a lot to share this personal information and to come to terms with such a difficult and painful situation. Take care and remember the stitching and blogging community are there for you. You will find yourself again - time is a great healer
Hugs
Carolxx
Oh An, I can't imagine how much you have gone through. Its an unimagineable difficulty for the person undergoing the change, but for the one who is there beside them, all the changes they are undergoing are really invisible. You need great love and support and deserve it with all you have given of yourself. I hope with time, you are able to re-discover yourself and learn to believe in yourself again. Many {{{hugs}}}
Sending love and hugs by the buckets, Annemarie!
Annemarie, you have my unconditional support thank you for sharing. I can't imagine how difficult all this must be for you. In my experience you have to mourn in order to be able to move on. Just give yourself time.
Oh My Dear...Please know that my thoughts are with you.
I hope you can find the peace that you deserve.
It will take time no doubt but take all the time you need!
Thank you for sharing this personal part of your life and please take care of yourself and that wonderful little boy of yours!
Groetjes uit Canada!
Annemarie,
Through your post I am able to gleam just how loving a person you really are. I am sorry for your loss. I can't help but be reminded of that saying "If you love someone let them go free ..." that truly takes courage.
May time and the love of friends and family heal your broken heart.
Tough. My heart goes out to you. Maybe putting things in writing will help. I don't know. It must be so difficult.
Can we help ?
Oh Annemarie! Of course you will miss him. You poor poor darling. I really feel for you and my heart breaks just knowing you have gone/are going through this. Sending you warm thoughts, you wonderful woman. xx
Oh, Annemarie. I feel so sad, thinking about you feeling so sad. We've all lost people, but losing someone and having that someone still right there in front of you ... it's about the cruelest thing I can imagine.
Lots of love to you. You're a dear, treasured friend and I hope you know that.
You don't know me, but please know you are in my thoughts. I've always thought you were a strong woman and a loving mother and a wonderful stitcher. (Would having a temper tantrum help a little?)
Mary Eman
Annemarie, thank you for sharing this with us. It must have been hell for you the last couple of years. I can not even imagine..to loose a dear one but still having your dearest in front of you. You have done an amazing thing and now it is time to think about you again but it is ok to mourn and you know when you will be ready to move on. Focus on you and Pelle and think of things that will make you happy again.
groetjes uit Amerika!
Karin
I'm so sorry for your loss, Annemarie. I hope you can find some peace.
Annemarie,you are a strong beautiful woman-give yourself time-it may not completely heal but it wlll ease and you have many many friends here supporting and rooting for you-just lean on us. {{{hugs}}}
It's hard to lose someone, and I imagine it would be harder still to lose someone who's still around! Big hugs to you!!
Dear {{{Annemarie}}}
What a sad and difficult time you have been/are going through. The road ahead may not be easy but you have taken the first important step and little by little you will heal. It truly was time to think of yourself and Pelle.
Hope to meet you in person very soon.
liefs uit Las Vegas
Sweet, dear Annemarie, I was at work when I read this, but can't go to blogger to comment because they block it...so I came right home and turned on this box to tell you....
You are such a loving soul, a strong woman and your unconditional love for everyone will get you through. I've read everyone else's comments, and they've all been so eloquent. All I can say is time heals all things, this is a raw, festering wound and looking at your child that was created between you and your husband must be bittersweet for I'm sure that Pelle holds a glimmer of what was. I can't tell you all will be fine and it will all work out, but I know there is a road that you are following and with as special of a person that you are, you will reach a day that is full of sunshine and roses. I will pray for that for you my friend. BIG hugs!!
I'm so sorry. It would be so incredibly difficult to watch the one you love moving slowing but surely away from the one you fell in love with. The gradual changes that would occur and need to be adapted to as time passed would be hard enough, but knowing in a way that the time and life you'd treasured was to be no more would make it even harder. To see and be with the person, but not the same person, would be so hard. It would take a long time to come to terms with it, and just when you have, something else would sneak up to unsettle you and send you back to the beginning. I'm so sorry for all of you, as this change would be so difficult and stressful. {{hugs}} as you all continue to deal with this.
Sue
Thank you for sharing such a private and personal story. All our lives are so different but this type of pain is something that unites us. To harbor this type of sorrow and still be so creative, generous and loving is an amazing gift.
I applaud you for being so honest. Hard how on one hand you are a strong enough women for him to change in front of you but when you need him she is not there for you.
Your hoensty can be felt by all. I wish I had the right words to comfort you but reading all of the support from these fabulous women must make your healing better.
You are an ispiration to us all. I wish there were more women like you in our world!!
Hugs
(((Hugs)))
{{{{{Annemarie}}}}}
Dear, dear Annemarie!
I cannot imagine the scope and breadth of your loss and sadness. I only know that you are an extaordinary person...that your husband was extremely lucky to have someone love him so fully and unconditionally. Know that I keep you in my thoughts, as do many others~~that we may ease a little of your pain. I know that you will find happiness and love, peace and contentment one day. Until then, I wish you sunny skies and rainbows and hope that you find comfort and joy with your darling son!
Sending you big hugs.
You don't know me but I enjoy your blog so much for your strength, sense of humor and grace under pressure. Sending you hugs and will keep you in my thoughts.
Jan R
((((HUGS)))) Well, you devoted so much to someone else, now it's time to devote your energy to YOU -and work on you....Annemarie YOU can become what YOU want to be, and make a life for you and that cutie pie Pelle!
{{{{HUGS}}}} and lots of love to you An. Take care of yourself and don't forget to give yourself a little 'me' time every day.
Oh Annemarie! I wish I knew of words to send you from a far that would bring you comfort. You are a beautiful, talented, gracious, kind woman and I hope as others have said, that time will heal your pain. My thoughts are with you!
Right!!
I'm going to email you asap but goodness - no wonder your thyroid went bonkers !! BIG massive hugs to you sweet and lovely lady, I shall catch up soon! Take care xx
{{{HUGS}}}
I'm not sure I can put into words what hasn't already been said here, but I just want to say, what an amazing woman you are! May the love you've given out to your husband through all of this, and the love your pour into your child's life and your bloggie friends, be returned to you one hundred fold.
Hugs,
andrea
Annemarie, you are very brave to share your heart with us, and I hope that all these words of love and comfort help a little bit. My therapist says that saying things outloud can make them smaller than when we carry them inside, and I think that's true a little bit. May you find peace. ((Hugs))
And, for the record, I find your pumpkin patch QUITE enthralling. Seriously!
An, I'm sorry I haven't read this sooner, but I'm hoping my support and hugs for you come better late than never. I can't imagine the turmoil you must be going through - but I know that one way or another you will come through this whole thing stronger and wiser and lovelier.
May your past and present sorrow lead you into future joy somehow. I don't know how, but I will pray it happens anyway. Big hugs for you.
Dear An, what a harrowing time you've had in the long process of losing your husband. I hope that you can work through the layers of sorrow and mourning until you find in the core of your being peace and joy. As you travel through the process, please know that you'll be (and have been) in my prayers and that you are dearly treasured by all your blog friends.
Of course you deserve to grieve, to mourn! How could anyone expect you to just be "fine?" How giving you are though, to allow that transition to happen and to go along on that journey. You are incredibly brave!
An, How courageous of you to share this with us. I went through the same thing, then my husband actually died while I was trying to deal with it. All that can be done is walking through the grief and making peace with ourselves. I'm so in awe of your strength as a woman, and your sound heart and spirit. That and Pelle will keep you forever.
Hugs, Deb
I just found your blog today and am wishing the best for you and your son. Marie W.
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